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* * * *
Chapter One
Reflections
* * * *
Buffy was glad that everyone else
was asleep. She could do with some sleep herself, but she was too
exhausted to be sleepy. God, that didn’t even make sense.
She found herself on one of the lounge chairs by the pool, her feet pulled
close to her as she examined her jeans. Buffy ran her finger along the
long, red line that started at her hip and ran midway down her thigh.
These were her favorite jeans, and now they were her only jeans, so it
seemed fitting that they’d have blood on them. Buffy still hadn’t
showered, which meant that she was still covered with dirt and blood
herself. As gross as it sounded, she didn’t want to wash off the last
physical remnants of Sunnydale. Not yet.
There was no moon out and the sky was littered with thousands of stars.
Buffy looked up at them, almost surprised when she felt warm tears rolling
down her cheeks. She couldn’t help but wonder as she gazed up at the
heavens… where did he go? Was he where she had been, or was he suffering?
Buffy wiped at her tears. This wasn’t fair. Spike went out and got his
soul for her; he died to save everyone and he was going to burn for it?
That couldn’t be right. That shouldn’t be right.
But some part of her remembered what he was and that he was condemned from
the moment he was turned. So she wept for him, clutching her arms tightly
over her chest to calm the sobbing so it wouldn’t wrack her entire body.
The wound in her belly had stopped bleeding, but it was still painful.
Buffy was grateful for the physical pain; it was like an outlet for all
the emotional pain inside of her.
Last night she’d slept in his arms and now he was gone. Buffy couldn’t
even begin to imagine what it would be like to sleep tonight. It should be
easy, she thought, since the weight of the world was no longer resting on
her shoulders. There was nothing coming after them, the Hellmouth was gone
and it was all over.
She was happy. Really, she was. When Buffy took the time to look at the
big picture, at the fact that she was no longer the Chosen One, burdened
with the troubles of the world, she felt happiness. But right now she
needed to cry.
God, she was missing him so much already and it hadn’t even been a full
day since…
She’d told him that she loved him. The words were true, in a way, and she
felt their truth even more so now than she had in the moment she’d spoken
them. She loved him. She loved him because he tried to be a better man and
because he loved her for what she was, not for what she could be. She’d
started falling for him the day he took the beating from Glory and nearly
died protecting Dawn’s secret. She didn’t want to tell anyone at the time,
and she didn’t really want to admit it to herself. But she’d seen him
change, and after she came back he was the only one she could trust with
her misery.
But it wasn’t just that, she realized while watching the still surface of
the pool glowing at her, its glistening depths beckoning her in vain. When
she was with him she felt hope that she could love, and she even felt that
he could be the one. But she’d always kick him in the face and storm out
of his crypt or wherever it was they’d been, angry at him for making her
feel anything towards him except revulsion. She’d been so cruel, and yet
still he wanted her. Spike traveled the world to get the one thing they
both knew would make a difference, and when she saw him for the first time
in the basement, wild and helpless, she fell for him again. Her heart was
weak, she couldn’t help it. It still wasn’t love, though. It was something
else.
The desire to love him? Was that what her feelings were, just desire?
Buffy shook her head, growing angry with herself. She should’ve loved him
more than she did. She should have told him sooner, and she should’ve
meant it more. That’s the thing about hindsight – it’s always 20/20.
She sniffed and rose from the lounge chair, wincing slightly at the pain
in her side. Walking to the edge of the pool, Buffy slowly knelt and
peered down at her reflection, frowning at what she saw. She didn’t look
any different, but she was a completely different person. Her battle scars
were fading, and the bigger scars of loss and pain weren’t visible on the
outside. Not unless you counted the frown on her face.
Buffy placed her hands on the edge of the cement and leaned forward,
considering the option to just fall in and let the water wash it all away.
It’d just make everything worse, though, and chlorine can’t be good for
stab wounds. She’d been staring at her own face for so long that she
gasped when she saw it. She would’ve been surprised either way—he was
dead, after all. Buffy stared at Spike’s reflection and realized that she
must be imagining things, because even if he were alive he wouldn’t be
casting a reflection. Unless…
Buffy whipped her head around to look behind her, but he wasn’t there. No
one was there. She exhaled slowly in a sigh of disappointment and looked
back down at the water.
There he was.
She turned to look behind her and then back down at the water. Buffy
wasn’t imagining things, he was really there. Except he wasn’t.
“Spike?” she whispered, her voice trembling in fear and hope as she
reached towards the water. Her hand broke the surface and the water
rippled, but when it stilled he was still there. Watching her.
Blaming her.
“Buffy?”
She didn’t turn around when she heard Dawn’s tired voice from behind her,
or when she felt her sister standing beside her.
“Can you see it?” Buffy asked desperately, pointing to the water.
“See what?” Dawn asked, following Buffy’s finger.
“Right there. Look!”
Dawn frowned. “I think it’s just a leaf, Buffy. What are you doing out
here?”
Buffy tore her eyes away from the water to look at her sister’s face.
Dawn’s heart fell at what she saw.
“Is this… were you crying? Is it Spike?”
Buffy’s eyes were wide as she surveyed the water’s surface once again.
Nothing. “Yeah,” she replied, closing her eyes and allowing the last
of her tears to fall. “But I’m okay,” she told Dawn. She took her sister’s
offered hand and stood. “I just need some sleep.”
Dawn smiled and nodded. “I think it’ll do you good. And hey, it will get
better.” Her smile brightened. “It has to, right?”
Buffy pasted on a smile and nodded. She’d been prepared to move on, but
something wasn’t letting her.
Someone didn’t want her to forget.
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