"You had sex with Spike?"

Buffy bowed her eyes in shame as Xander stared at her, disgust distorting his features.

"What... when... why? No, don't answer those questions. Wait, forget that. I wanna know why."

She sighed and shifted uncomfortably in her seat at the Expresso Pump. It was a warm summer evening and she'd decided that it was time her friends knew about her relationship with Spike. Dawn had figured it out, and Tara already knew, so that just left Willow and Xander. Willow sat silently beside Xander, watching Buffy intently as she waited for some sort of explanation.

"When I came back," she began in a soft voice, fidgeting with the hem of her skirt. "I was lost. I couldn't think clearly, a-and nothing felt real. Not after where I was."

Xander and Willow looked away guiltily before returning their eyes to her. It had been over a year since her death and while things weren't exactly fresh, the pain of losing Buffy and tearing her away from heaven was still something they felt deeply.

"It mostly just happened," she added quickly, desperation rising in her voice as they both look scared and confused. They had to understand. "At first it was just..." her eyes widened, realizing that she was about to go into way too much detail. "Listen, I'm not in love with Spike. And I ended things with him long ago, it's just... I didn't want to be hiding this from you guys anymore. Tara and Dawn already know."

Both sets of eyes widened as they took in this new information, then narrowed in anger and confusion.

"You told Tara, but you couldn't trust me?"

"Dawn knew? What are you, sick?"

"Guys!" she shouted, slamming her hands impatiently on the table and causing their mugs to bounce and clank down noisily in their saucers. All eyes turned to her and she looked away bashfully. "It... it was easier for me to tell them. Not that I really told Dawn, well, I did, just not on purpose.

"A girl who sleeps with a vampire she hates?"

"But it wasn't that I didn't trust you. It just wasn't something I was proud of. Also, last year with the robot? When you thought I was sleeping with Spike? That didn't give me much courage to face your reactions when I really was."

Xander opened his mouth to say something but closed it almost as quickly. Buffy frowned as she watched her friends sit in silence, neither looking directly at her.

"So it's over?" Xander asked after a lengthy silence.

Buffy sighed with relief. "Yes. Very over."

"Is that..." Willow began. "Is that why he left?"

Buffy lowered her eyes as she remembered the day she found out Spike had left town. She'd gone to his crypt a few weeks after their last meaning and found it empty, save for Clem and a dozen empty bags of Doritos.

"Slayer! I mean, Buffy! You don't mind if I call you Buffy, do you? Since I'm a demon, and all?"

"Umm, no," she replied, glancing around the crypt.

"I didn't expect to see you soon. Spike told me that he expected you to come by at some point."

"Is he here? Spike?"

"Gosh, no. He didn't tell you? He left town. Told me to keep an eye on his place, though he wasn't clear on how long he'd be gone. I'm surprised he didn't tell you."

Since then Buffy doubted she'd ever see Spike again. Though, based on their last encounter, she was pretty sure she didn't want to.

 

* * * *

Buffy struggled as twin vampires charged at her and knocked her to the ground. Their long blond hair dangled in her face as they both leaned down to bite her in the neck, but before either could she lifted her knees to her chest and kicked out, sending them flying to the ground. Buffy jumped back to her feet and held her stake high, ready to make these girls dust. They didn't charge again, however, but merely stood and leered at her. Before she had a chance to realize what was happening a third attacker tackled her and knocked the stake out of her hand. Buffy fell to the ground, crushed by the body that was on top of her. Strong, clawlike hands flipped her over and she was staring into the golden eyes of three identical, skankily clad vampiresses.

"Triplets," she groaned, her eyes rolling back into her head with annoyance. "How kinky."

She moved to kick them but two of the vampires pinned her arms over her head while the other straddled her hips, limiting her mobility. Buffy's eyes widened when she realized that she was struggling against them instead of fighting them off. She was the Slayer, they should be dust in the wind, not an actual threat.

Buffy felt the first pinpricks of true fear as the one in the middle moved towards her, fangs bared. She kicked and flailed her arms and legs but she was overwhelmed. They'd cornered her. Buffy pulled herself together at the last minute, though, and right as the vampire neared her neck, Buffy slammed her forehead into hers, knocking her back. That didn't release any hold they had on her, though, and the vampiresses growled and gripped her tightly. The one holding her right arm, however, loosened her grip before she tightened it, and Buffy managed to slip her arm free.

She whipped her hand back and backhanded the demon, causing her to roll backwards. Buffy cried out in pain and surprise as the one gripping her left arm sank her fangs into her wrist, opening the veins and causing blood to flow freely. Buffy shot her free arm out and smacked her in the temple, knocking her off to the side. She screamed as the vampire's fangs scratched her flesh roughly as they pulled away, but soon her focus returned on the vampire on top of her. Buffy pulled her legs back and looped them under the triplet's arms. She kicked out and sent the vampire flying, knocking her into a large headstone that split in two upon impact.

Buffy leapt to her feet and scanned the ground for her stake. It was nowhere to be seen. She looked up in time to see one of the undead blondes charging at her and was about to give her a right hook when the vampire exploded into a cloud of cinder and ash. Buffy averted her eyes so that she wouldn't get dead skank bits in them, and when the dust cleared she opened her eyes and nearly gasped.

"S-Spike?"

He stood there, sans leather, with his hair slightly longer and much curlier than she ever remembered seeing it. He'd neglected to bleach it since she'd last seen him, leaving his roots slightly exposed. He had an almost feral look to him, but there was something in his eyes suggested otherwise.

"I got the other two for you," he informed casually, lifting her stake up so that she could see.

Buffy whirled around to scan her surroundings for the others only to find that he was telling the truth. She returned her eyes to his. "Spike?"

His eyes fell to her bloody wrist that she gripped with her right hand. "You're hurt."

Spike dropped the stake and reached out to cradle her hand in his, but Buffy pulled away. He looked like she'd slapped him instead.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, unable to keep her eyes of his hair for some reason.

"I..." His voice was thick and heavy, like his throat was coated with syrup. Buffy focused on his downcast eyes as she awaited his answer. "I was looking for you."

"What's wrong with you?" she asked without thinking. The words came out harsh, and even though she was talking to Spike, evil, soulless demon, she wished she'd thought before spitting them out.

He wouldn't meet her eyes. "Will you be OK?" he asked, ignoring her question.

Buffy looked down at her wrist. Her entire arm was covered in blood. "Well," she admitted, cocking her head to the side and staggering as she realized how much blood she'd lost.

Spike stepped forward and caught her as she lost balance, and she looked up at him gratefully, though skepticism still marred her features. "I didn't..." she began, but she lost all train of thought and the ability to speak as she collapsed into his arms.

 

* * * *

"Buffy? Buffy, can you hear me?"

Buffy opened her eyes slowly. It took a second or two for her eyes to adjust, but eventually they settled on Tara's face in front of her.

"Tara, what happened?" Buffy asked groggily, trying her best to remember recent events. She was going patrolling, that much she could remember...

"Oh," Tara replied dejectedly. "I was kinda going to ask you that. Did you get hurt?"

Tara looked down at Buffy's wrist, which she realized for the first time was wrapped in heavy gauze. Buffy lifted it weakly in front of her face so she could get a good look at it. "Oh, yeah. Vampire."

"Oh my god," Tara muttered, gently placing her hands on Buffy's arm and peering at the bandages like she could see through them to the wound. "Are you OK?"

Buffy looked around her and realized that she was on the floor of her room with her back against the edge of her bed. "Yeah," she replied distractedly, struggling to get to her feet. Tara helped her to stand. "Spike!" she said suddenly, remembering his face. "Did you see him? Was he here?"

"Spike was here?" Tara replied in surprise. "I-I didn't see him. I just got back from the store when I found you. Willow and Dawn are still out."

Buffy shook her head. She was extremely out of it and very confused and she could only take so much information at a time. "Wait, Dawn's out? By herself?"

Tara smiled reassuringly. "No, she's at Janice's house. I dropped her off before I went to the grocery store. Do you remember?"

Buffy nodded slowly as she took in the information, the events previous to her passing out coming up more clearly in her mind.

"Did you say Spike?" Tara asked, hoping to get more out of her friend. "He wasn't the one who..." her eyes returned to Buffy's bandaged wrist.

Buffy shook her head. "No, no. I've got to go," she said, moving past Tara into the hallway. Tara hesitated for a moment before following Buffy down the stairs.

"A-Are you sure that's a good idea? You look really pale. You must've lost a lot of blood."

"I'll be fine. Look," she said once they'd reached the front door. "I'll be OK. I just... I've got see for myself."

Tara's eyes softened in understanding. "Do you really think he's back?"

Buffy nodded and opened the door. "I need to know why."

 

* * * *

She scratched the skin at the edge of her bandage absentmindedly as she walked past the familiar headstones towards Spike's crypt. Buffy couldn't think of any other place to find him, and once at the door his presence was confirmed by the loud shuffling she heard inside. Buffy took a deep breath before opening the door.

"Spike?"

Spike stopped what he was doing and looked up at her. Buffy couldn't help but be perplexed at the expression on his face. Guilt, maybe? She couldn't remember seeing it there before.

It took her a moment to realize that he was standing over a box on his bed, and that several of his things were packed inside of it. "Spike?"

"You're alright, then?" he said, placing both hands on the edge of the box and looking into it in an effort to be looking anywhere but at her.

Buffy's brow furrowed in confusion as she stepped forward. "Yeah. You took me back to my house?"

Spike didn't answer, but his silence was confirmation enough. Buffy was standing beside him now. She lifted her wounded arm.

"You did this?"

He took the bandaged wrist into his hands gently and stared at it with a painful expression on his face. "Did I make it too tight?"

"They made them too tight again..."

Buffy shook her head, both in answer to his question and in an attempt to shake the memory from her mind. Something about being with Spike now reminded her of being with him in the hospital during her hallucination. "You're here," she stated simply, hoping that would induce some sort of explanation. "You left town. Clem..."

"...made a right mess of the place, di'n't he?" he interrupted, laughing nervously. Buffy scanned the crypt and saw several empty bags of chips and a good number of Doublemeat Palace wrappers scattered on the floor. "Can't blame him. His kind aren't known for their tidiness."

"Spike, why are you here?" She looked down at the box filled with his things when he didn't answer. "Did you come for your stuff?"

He smiled bitterly in response. "No."

Buffy frowned. He was being less than forthcoming and more than a little mysterious. "Spike, what happened to you?"

Spike jumped back and stared at her with wide eyes, reminding her of their last meeting, when she'd kissed him and told him that she loved him. "How can you tell?"

She frowned at his response but kept talking. "You've been gone for months. You show up all disheveled and you're acting weird and you're leaving again. What happened?"

"You did, love."

Buffy's eyes narrowed in confusion.

Spike turned away from her and faced the crypt wall. "I came back to be with you. Not that I thought... not after..."

Buffy's confusion was growing exponentially.

"I knew you would find out. I wanted you to, of course. But I didn't think that when I saw you I'd... that I'd feel this way."

He turned to her, and Buffy saw it for the first time in his eyes. Her jaw dropped slowly.

"I didn't know anyone could feel this way. I don't remember... when I first had it..." Spike laughed. "Angel used to look so funny, all broody and guilt-ridden. I thought, 'my god, how does he live with it?'"

Buffy walked forward and touched his arm, her eyes wide and focused on his. "Y-You have a soul? Your soul?"

He turned his eyes away from hers. "I can't. Please, don't look at me."

She shook his arm roughly and caused him to look at her. "Spike, why? How?"

"It doesn't matter anymore," he replied softly. "It doesn't matter that I still love you, or that you love me... n-not that you..." He stepped back, though they never broke contact. "You don't. Do you?" he asked dejectedly.

Buffy's eyes widened. He was asking her if she loved him. "I don't know," she replied. She knew that she missed him, even though she told herself it was probably for the best that he was gone, that he only caused her pain when she was with him. But did she love him? Could she? It's not like his having a soul flipped a switch inside of her that would make her love him.

"You don't have to, you know. I got a soul so that you could love me, but you don't have to." He walked past her towards the other end of the crypt. "I don't deserve it."

Buffy closed her eyes, feeling tears pricking the corners of them. Spike still loved her. Spike got a soul for her. She was still slightly overwhelmed by that last bit of information.

He willingly went out and got his soul back.

She opened her eyes. "You can't expect to come back here with a soul and expect me to automatically love you," Buffy told him seriously.

She watched his shoulders sink from behind, and seeing that she walked forward determinedly. Buffy touched his shoulder gently and he turned around, his crestfallen gaze falling on her. "But you can't expect me not to, either."

Spike's eyes brightened hopefully, but he didn't reply.

"A lot's happened since you went away. Anya's a vengeance demon again, and Warren tried to kill me..."

"What?"

"It's OK, he's gone. We don't have to worry about him. What I'm saying is that my life is confusing enough right now without you coming back all souled up and... I just don't know what to think."

Spike nodded. "I'm sorry."

Buffy's brow furrowed. "For what?"

"For being what I was. I hurt you dozens of times, and still... you're here, talking to me. And I don't deserve it."

She smiled at him then, and for a moment he thought she was being cruel. "You get your soul back to be a better man and you think that you don't deserve anything?"

"I didn't do it to be a better man," he replied shamefully. "I did it for you."

Buffy's heart expanded in her chest as he spoke those words. It moved her, what he did. And it changed everything.

"I don't want you to leave."

Spike looked at the box sitting on his bed and frowned. "Why not?"

"Because I want you to stay."

It wasn't exactly a reason, but it was the truth. If he left then she'd never know if she could love him. Most of all, she would never forgive herself. Setting him out in the world, his soul burdening him with guilt? He'd probably hurt himself. Possibly even get himself killed.

"I don't think it's a good idea, pet. I want to be with you, but I can't be what you need. I can feel it."

Buffy took two small steps forward and tilted her head towards his, planting a small kiss on his lips. The kiss didn't deepen, but they stayed that way for a long period of time. When Buffy pulled back she looked him in the eye. "Don't go."

Spike just smiled, and it had to be the sweetest, most reassuring sight she'd ever seen.